L's Quote of Whenever

How to be right every single time

2011-05-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

"Perceiving the world is an act of creation."
David Brooks

I like to think I'm right when I share my opinion. My beliefs are founded in research, reason and experience. I tell you what I believe because it's the best answer I know.

Then again, so you do. Everyone on this planet thinks and believes different things... and they all like to think they're right too.

So, let's explore this a little further.

If I'm right, everyone who thinks differently is mistaken, lazy or stupid. Even on a statistical basis that seems unlikely, not to mention downright arrogant and insulting. Maybe I'm right about some things and wrong about others. Maybe everyone's wrong, all the time.

It seems wise to accept there are more forces at play than we can fully grasp. The universe is big and complex enough to encompass a lot of different experiences, even conflicting ones.

So, if you consider other people's views and still surmise that you're right, it means one of three things.

You're actually always right. Congratulations! It must be lonely at the top.

You dismiss an enormous amount of the amazing world we live in as non-existant

You tailor your experiences to match your beliefs.

If that's what it takes to be right every time, is it really worth it?

In awe of you

2011-04-12T05:36:00.000-07:00

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
It is the source of all true art and all science.
They to whom this emotion is a stranger,
who cannot any longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe,
are as good as dead; their eyes are closed.

Albert Einstein

My two best friends were in town with their son last Saturday. The infant has just discovered hands. He was totally rapt. Open. Close. Open … wow. He stared at them, spellbound by how they moved and how they worked.

We treat our body as a means to an end. We put clothes on it and make it stay up late. We exercise it, indulge it and deprive it. We rely on it so much.

When was the last time you realised how excellent your body is? Instead of judging how it looks, take a moment to notice how it feels. Stretch. Breathe and hold the air in your lungs. Marvel at your wriggly fingers and bendy toes. Roll your tongue. Flex your butt muscles. Close your eyes then open them, noticing everything you see as shapes and light and colour.

Science explains all of this, but it doesn’t diminish the wonder. You are amazing.

Just don’t forget to breathe out.

L

2011-04-03T23:35:00.000-07:00

"This world has to be loved, this world has to be respected, this world has to be your temple, your mosque, your church. This world has to be your gratefulness, your gratitude. Enlightenment is not something of another world. Enlightenment happens now and here."
Osho

The way to be happy is to be happy. Confused?

Happiness is not a destination or an achievement. It is like 'fit', 'healthy' or 'career'. Its definition changes the moment you get there. It's compared against an ever changing ideal rather than how far you've come.

In every moment, there is fuel for happiness and misery. I'm tired. This coffee is great! The leaves are changing. My best friend is visiting. The cat is naughty. The commute is long. I am in love. My credit bill is too high.

Happiness or unhappiness depends on your focus in the moment.

Like mythical hydra, miseries keep multiplying until you deal with the source. Miseries demand your attention as problems to be solved. Yet, problems keep happening.

Happiness doesn't make the same demands. It is easily ignored and taken for granted. It takes conscious focus to notice, dwell on and appreciate the things that inspire you.

Balancing your attention takes practice and, just like fitness, the only way to be happy is to continue to practice.

The best bit? Happy-practice brings immediate happiness. There's no burn or office minion status to suffer through first.

Now is the time, and the only time, to be happy.

The importance of stuff & nonsense

2011-03-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again.
Mike Myers

Sitting backwards on a train feels like rewinding. Rewind the miles from city to suburb, back to beautiful mountain. I like sitting forward in the morning and backward in the afternoon. Perhaps I should always go forward and onward to work or home or whatever's next. For now I’m enjoying the simple exercise of looking at things differently. For now, I am throwing out the normal perspective and I am racing backwards, rewinding.

Souls need silliness. Have you been too serious lately?

Be Brave. Show up

2011-02-10T23:58:00.000-08:00

“I show up, I listen, I try to laugh.”
Anna Quindlen

I have trouble paying attention. Believe me, you’re not boring. You’re important to me. If I look dazed, I’m just lost in a mental haze, trying to latch onto the present and connect.

There’s no obvious reason why this is happening. No tumours or strange bloodwork. I have some theories but they may take time to test.

The problem is, I may be here but I still struggle to show up.

I’m not the only one. If you’ve ever run to food for comfort, ever lied to make something easier or daydreamed while someone talked, you are choosing to hide in a fog of your own creation.

Every time we shy away from the moment we’re in, we discard a piece of our life. A small piece, maybe, but over time we collect a landfill of moments wasted in distraction, fear or habit.

Having to fight through fog has highlighted how invaluable truly experiencing the world is.

Savour your moments. Hold them, let them go and let new ones come in. Listen. Feel. Connect. Respond.

Show up.

Why size matters

2011-01-25T21:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I climb high above the city
To see all the lights shining there so pretty
I think of the millions of lives going on
At this present moment, and those come and gone

And it makes me float free
To feel how small my life must be

"Small" by Lamb
What Sound

Whenever you face something big, remember how small you are.

I know it sounds strange.

We all live at the centre of our own world. From there, every decision and roadblock looks enormous. It looks like life and death.

If you ever feel trapped by your decisions, go somewhere with a view over the city. Look at the countless lives unfolding in front of you.

Yours is just one of billions on the planet. Your decision, one of unfathomably many.

So why not dream and live as big as you can?

When you're that small, life changing actions aren't much bigger than eating cereal or eggs for breakfast.

Size does matter, but not in the way you think.

L

How to make All Year resolutions

2011-01-09T18:32:00.000-08:00

Before you begin a thing, remind yourself that difficulties and delays quite impossible to foresee are ahead. . . .
You can only see one thing clearly and that is your goal.
Form a mental vision of that and cling to it through thick and thin.

Kathleen Norris

A new year brings a new journey. At least, that's what we're told. With a clean slate, all things are possible.

Think of New Year resolutions as a wheel. At the top, we can see far into the possible future and we're inspired to get there. As the wheel turns, you go down into difficulty and delays. You lose sight of the horizon. All you see is the gritty reality.

The year turns and you get back to the top once more. You see with clarity, but have you moved forward, backward or spun around on the spot?

Why do our visions of greatness fizzle and die? How often have you given up on something because it seemed too hard?

You are the first obstacle. The barrier was in your mind long before it was in your path.

How different would be if you expected things to be difficult and dreams delayed? Decide that the pain of obstacles is worth the goal. Expect them. Embrace them.

Instead of saying 'oh well, maybe another day', you'd say 'hello, I expected you. Now, will I go over, under, around or through you?'

L

What's more important?

2010-12-16T16:10:00.000-08:00

The sun will set without your assistance.
The Talmud

Things are important because you say they're important. You may have decided it or agreed it was so to keep the peace.

We often get pulled in different directions because someone else decided something was important.

Is spending time with family more important than having the table perfectly set at Christmas?

Is your life more important than flooring through an amber light to arrive on time?

Are your finances more important than the advertisements cajoling you to buy?

Is your health more important than most other things on your to-do list?

You are in control of what's important and what can wait. You are in control of what you do and say. You are in control of what you spend and how.

You are not, however, in control of what other people find important. You can worry, argue, manipulate, accommodate or throw your hands up in exasperation. They will probably still believe and do what they did yesterday.

The sun will set without your assistance. The world will go on with a will of its own. Forgive. Let go. Do what's important to you.

Facebook - love it or hate it?

2010-12-09T22:57:00.000-08:00

"For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news.”
Gloria Borger

Facebook. Do you 'like' or 'unlike' it? Is it part of your life or do you detest its incursion on your privacy? Do you pity its addicts or envy their number of friends?

Millions of people now publish their lives daily (in some cases more) and it's not just for self gratification. We're addicted to connection. Constant conversation flows back and forth and nobody's quite sure, is it good or bad for us?

Here's something to consider, at least.

How much of the daily news will impact you directly. Not just interest you, but is actually relevant to you and your life?

Dad jailed for under-10's footy bashing. Thousands gather for glimpse of Oprah. Therese Rein wins human rights medal. Kayaker dead after horror croc attack.

Now imagine your own personal newspaper populated with people you know.

Actually, it's right at your fingertips.

Yes, Facebook is problematic, but it's powerful too. Use its powers for good (not evil).

L

How to love Christmas like a 5yr old

2010-12-05T18:42:00.000-08:00

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.
We grow old by deserting our ideals.
Samuel Ullman

Remember a Christmas Eve when you were really little. Tomorrow was going to be so amazing. New toys and sweets and playing with cousins. You could hardly sleep for excitement.

Christmas was shiny and new. It was opportunity and adventure.

Nothing has changed. Really. I promise.

Yes, you now know the terrible secret about Santa. You've worked right up till Christmas Eve and there's still a roast to put on. Someone is bound to drop a bombshell, drink too much and get emotional. There's all that washing up to do afterwards.

Still, Christmas holds the promise of something new for adults as well as children.

In the northern hemisphere, a new beginning comes from the deepest part of sleepy winter. In the cycle of life and death, winter solstice is a turning point of hope. Here in sunny Queensland, we don't have the ground lying fallow under snow drifts during Christmas. We run around in shorts and dresses and crack cold beers to watch the summer storms roll over. Yet, we still carry the cultural memory of this tradition.

Christmas puts one year behind us, gives us a reason to appreciate what's good and invites us to dream about what could be even better tomorrow.

Here's a challenge. Don't make a single new resolution for January 1. Instead, pursue that idea you've been holding on to for months (or even years) now. You know the one I'm talking about. Make it happen. Start now.

Tomorrow is going to be so amazing. You'll hardly sleep for excitement.

L

No bah humbug here

2010-11-22T22:16:00.000-08:00

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
Katherine Whitehorn

It's a topic as common as the weather. Oh for *insert expletive*'s sake, Christmas decorations already? In October, the stores are already pimped with trees, tinsel and targeted advertising. It happens every year and earlier every year.

I don't know that the offense has anything to do with early decorating. Yes, drawing it out makes it less special. It's an anti climax for the kids. Delayed gratification is hard for us too. Christmas is a prompt to wind down from work, which isn't an option in September.

Really though, early Christmas decorations are an insult to our intelligence. Nobody likes being told what to do. There is a limit to how impressionable people are and I think early November is probably the reach of that rubber band. I'll dive into a spend-frenzy when I'm good and ready, thank you.

When Christmas blends into mid financial year, into Easter, into end of financial year, into mothers day and father's day... well, there's a long drought in the latter half of the year. No public holidays also means no major marketing opportunities.

Yes, it's a manipulation but if it's any consolation, we only have to listen to jingle bells an hour or so at a time. Retailers are stuck listening to it for two solid months.

L

The fool proof formula that really works

2010-10-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

“If I were dropped out of a plane into the ocean and told the nearest land was a thousand miles away, I'd still swim.”
Abraham Maslow

I firmly believe that there is no such thing as a formula that always works.

One plus one is meant to equal two. Yet in the real world, you very easily find yourself saying,
"I did one and then one, so how in the hell did I end up with six?" It seems to me that there is no fail proof diet or exercise plan. There is no university degree that will get you a good job. There is no right way to raise a child or have a relationship. No recipe for a great cake every time. Anyone who tells you that some shiny product, method or plan will definitely work is selling you something.

It seems to me there are only people who MAKE things work. A determined person finds success through research, trial and error. A determined person sees the endless variables and enjoys finding a way to make them work.

Success doesn't come from finding the right formula. It's an attitude.

Now ... how to get the right attitude?

L

Milestones and roadblocks

2010-08-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

When I grow up my job is going to be a giant,
not the eating kind,
the kind that catches kids that are falling into the sea maybe
and puts them back on land.

Jack, 5yrs old
from Room, a book by Emma Donaghue

People draw an invisible line around their lives. Everything inside the line is the real world, the possible world and the likely world. Everything outside the line is just dreaming.

We avoid doing things that we suppose can't be done. I'm not talking about trying to fly by jumping off the roof or expectantly wearing a tin foil hat to talk with aliens. I mean all the what-ifs, buts, hurdles and fears of failure that we put between us and a really interesting, kind of cool life.

At what point do we stop dreaming about what we want to do and decide that this is what life is and all it ever will be? A more important question is, do we ever ask ourselves why?

Sometimes we imagine other people are stopping us. They can't live without us. They will never support us. The power other people have is mostly a tool of our own imagination. Have you ever asked them what they think? Does their opinion matter more than it should?

Sometimes it looks like there are too many roadblocks in the way. Too many opportunities for failure. Well, there are always lot of hurdles on the way to a dream. These are milestones, not roadblocks.

I think maybe we perceive them as roadblocks because our minds put them there for a good reason. They are not between you and destiny at all. They are between you and the words buried deep inside that say 'I am not good enough. I don't deserve it. It won't work, because it's me.' Those words are too hard to listen to and confront. It's much easier to project failure onto someone else or onto a difficult, impossible world.

I know my quote today is silly. You can't become a friendly sea giant any more than you can talk to aliens through alfoil.

But just for a moment, pretend you have no limits. What do you want? What would it take to get there?

L

Work-life balance

2010-07-01T18:51:00.000-07:00

Life holds no promises as to what will come your way.
You must search for your own ideals and work toward reaching them.
Life makes no guarantees as to what you’ll have.
It just gives you time to make choices and to take chances
and to discover whatever secrets that might come your way.
If you are willing to take the opportunities you are given
and utilize the abilities you have, you will constantly fill your life
with special moments and unforgettable times.

Dena Dilaconi

Whatever you spend the most time on defines who you are. I've been working such long hours lately and my brain is so full of work issues that I feel like I've forgotten how to be. I wasn't missing a word there ... I've forgotten how to just be.

On YouTube, Mark Gungor tells a tale of two brains. Men, he claims, have the ability to put concepts neatly into a box. They store these concepts next to each other and, without cross-contamination, can open just the one box at a time. They also have this magical thing called the Nothing Box which allows them to sit for long periods of time and think of nothing ... absolutely nothing at all.

I envy this. It's a very worthwhile skill to have.

It's easy to get so caught up in work that you forget to prioritise and appreciate the things (and people) that make your day worthwhile... the things make you a human instead of a work-bot. You think to yourself that you will get to your personal stuff next week when work slows down, but for some reason that week never arrives. The family-time, the personal project, even the sweet-nothing box never rise to the top of the priority list.

It's confronting to realise that there are no promises and no guarantees of what will come your way. You make choices about what to spend your time on. You draw the boundaries. Only you.

What will you do now?

L

The art of pruning

2010-06-01T05:24:00.000-07:00

Ask yourself: If I know something to be true, am I
prepared to follow it, even though it is contrary to what
I want or to what I have previously held to be true? Will I
follow it if it means being laughed at, if it means
personal financial loss, or some kind of hardship?

Eric Liddell

I'm a big fan of saying 'yes' to life. Life experiences should be enjoyed on their own merit, not because they get us to a goal. People should be valued and appreciated for their differences. Opinions and beliefs do not need to fit into a particular worldview. Say yes to something on its own terms.

There is another end to the spectrum though. There comes a time when you need to cut things out of your life.

Sometimes situations or people are not good for you. They're not inherently bad. They could be genuinely nice people or a genuinely good job or a neighbourhood just minding its own business. But, for a particular reason, it's not good for you.

I actually struggle a lot with this. I want things to be black and white where you cease a relationship because they're a bad person who did bad things. You quit a job because you were bullied, undervalued or got a better offer. I struggle with relative decision-making, both my own and other people's. I struggled when someone ended a friendship because my influence was unhealthy. Yet now, I'm faced with the exact same decision. My world keeps gets annoyingly icky and small because I leave doors open that should have been closed a long time ago. Doors that should have stayed closed. It's too hard to move on properly in life when your past keeps showing up. It's a bit like finding last winter's tissues still in your coat pocket ... it's just wrong.

Social networks like Facebook contribute a lot to this. Designed to bring people together and keep them in touch, it can end up being a big tissue collection and a cause for more trouble than it's worth.

I need to have the courage to make relative decisions... not because anyone did anything wrong, but because it's right for me.

Distraction

2010-05-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

"The good life warrants an ongoing struggle to be clear about what's important and to seek it with lucidity and passion... To be diverted isn't simply to have too many stimuli but to be confused about what to attend to and why."
Damon Young
Distraction: A philosopher's guide to being free

I think I have officially turned a corner. I am now getting old.

It started off with a dissatisfaction with western culture. Popular culture is a loop of marketing that drives culture which, in turn, drives more marketing. Popular artists and celebrities are products of careful research but at the same time, they set the standard of desire and aspiration. I don't mean directly. I think you would slap me if I suggested you aspire to be Megan Fox, David Beckham or whatever 90210 spinoff starlet is the apple of the media eye right now.

No, we are indirectly lured by a carefully cultivated, commercially motivated sense of inadequacy. I want a red jacket. I think I'd look great in it. I want a kindle or iPad. I think I would read more if I had one of those. I want to be fit but I don't have time so I'll cut corners. I want to have silky, smooth touchable hair. I want that cool-sounding music track.

I remember being annoyed with my mother because she turned off the TV and cherished a quiet house. Now, I'm the one who turns off the TV in favour of a glass of wine and some jazz music. The older I get, the more appealing a veggie patch, some chickens and baking my own bread becomes.

Distractions are everywhere but here is my theory: We are not victims of distraction, we actively seek it.

We tune out. Get drunk. Get advice. Go shopping. Eat junk. Work hard. Stare out the window. Get sick. Worry about family. Worry about ourselves. Play with paper clips. Get coffee. Watch You-Tube. Check facebook...

What's demanding your attention right now (apart from me, of course)? Will it lead you toward a good life or is it a noisesome thing distracting you from the lucid and passionate pursuit of your dreams?

Do you know what to attend to and why?

L

Finding yourself

2010-05-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
George Bernard Shaw

"No single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born."
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Flight to Arras, 1942, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

Finding yourself is a popular concept touted by the tourism industry and subscribed to by countless people. I believe the concept is misguided but the feeling is real enough.

Sometimes you get swept up in a tide of choices that, over time, carry you far out to sea. One day you realise that you've lost sight of the shore and no longer remember in which direction it lies. Now you're a person that keeps swimming because that's what you do.

Sometimes a meteor comes along and knocks you out of orbit. You get broken or changed somehow and it's not how you wanted things to be. It happens so fast that you have no idea where you're headed or even whether it's where you want to go.

That's when you feel like you need to find yourself.

Only, whoever you are right now and whatever you're doing IS you. You are fully capable of saying these things and acting like you have been. You can't externalise that and say it's not who you are. There is no previous self lain dormant all these years or a new self behind a waterfall in Fiji waiting to be 'found'.

Whether you're swimming in circles or careening out of control, if you don't like the current version of you then it's time to change. You are not subject to the tide or the meteor unless you choose to be. Whoever you were yesterday or are today, you don't have to be tomorrow. Whoever you have been, you can be again.

Look at your options. Weigh your decisions in light of who you want to be. The tide of your choices will then take you where you want to go.

L

Happy-bytes

2010-04-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

Write. No amount of self-inflicted misery, altered states, black pullovers or being publicly obnoxious will ever add up to your being a writer. Writers write. On you go.
Al Kennedy
Ten Rules for Writing Fiction – from The Guardian (UK) Feb 2010

People travel faster now,
but I do not know if they go to better things.
Willa Cather

Hi. My name is Laura. It's been two weeks since my last Quote of the Day.

I've come to the conclusion that our society is sick. We have a kind of asthma and are oxygen poor. We don't allocate time to the things that make us truly happy so we settle for small happy-bytes to get us by. We take tiny measures of pleasure like gasps of air.

Happy-bytes are things like morning coffee, your 2pm choc-attack or drinks after work. Happy-bytes are new shoes on sale at Myer, new

technology or vegging out in front of the tv. We treat ourselves to these things as compensation for a busy lifestyle. We're completely sold on our need for happy-bytes and now they're a necessity. We boast about them and say 'lucky you' to each other.
"Lucky you! I haven't had time for a coffee yet this morning."
"Lucky you! I'm so tired by the end of the week, I'm in no mood for drinks."

Happy-bytes improve our mood ... but once consumed are gone forever. Happy-bytes are a mirage, turning happiness (as a state of being) into something 'out there' to be attained instead of something inbuilt and wholly renewable.

Instead of grabbing a happy-byte today, lay the foundation of renewable happiness.

Instead of a Caramello Koala after lunch, tell a loved one how much they mean to you. Instead of a weekend away, finish a project you've meant to do for ages. Instead of surfing the net, write something down. Instead of having coffee ...

Ok, ok. Some things are sacred.

Adventures in luck

2010-03-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

Lady Luck has been good to me
and I fancy she has been good to everyone.
Only some people are dour, and when she gives them
the come hither with her eyes, they look down
or turn away and lift an eyebrow.
But me, I give her the wink and away we go.

William Allen White

I often write about life as an adventure but somehow keep forgetting. I like the idea that Lady Luck invites us all the time and we accept her or scurry on our way.
"Hang on a minute," you say. "I went about my day and didn't see any such thing as the winsome beckon of fate!"

Lady Luck's offer is in small things like turning down a new street or going home ten minutes early. She's in big things like job offers and new cities. She's in sudden things like who's in the elevator with you. She's in difficult things that drag on forever like arguments and letting go.

Lady Luck beckons you to take a chance and cry, love, leave, share, set boundaries or break them down. She invites you to say no when it's hard and yes when it's scary. If you accept her invitation, you won't break in two. Really.

Luck is the shifting pattern of grass as it bends in waves under the wind. If you watch one more moment, it will blow another way and the whole world will change.

As you go about your day, look for your invitation but don't turn away. Give Lady Luck a wink and away you go.

Giving what you need most

2010-03-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

Do not be afraid of showing your affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate. People are more helped by sympathy, than by service; love is more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present.
John Lubbock

What we need the most is the very thing we refuse to give. It is the action most bound up in fear and protective practices.

I've never been a huggy person, but I adore hugs. Likewise I'll tell someone that I love them quite a lot of times in my head but the words rarely, if ever make it past my lips. It's easy for me to broadly paint men as emotionless libido machines and women as illogical and vain black holes of need yet not a single one of my male or female friends fits either description. So, why on earth would I do that? If I believe men don't really love, then I won't feel hard done by for not being loved by men. If I believe women are illogical and shallow, I won't feel hard done by for being uncomfortable around and not fitting in with the girly crowd.

Whatever you're most hardened against with cynical thoughts is probably what your heart is most hungry for. We tell ourselves it doesn't exist so we won't feel the pain of its absence in our lives. Except, this is an eternal loop of deprivation.

If you don't believe it really exists, you won't ever find it even when it's right in front of you.

Don't be afraid to show affection, give compliments, and speak out what's in your heart or weighing on your mind. Try not to disqualify the things you need but act with courage by giving it to others. It's probably just what they need too. Then, you'll find out it's as real and as good as you always hoped, but were always too afraid to find out.

Plausible Deniability

2010-03-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”
Oscar Wilde

Can men and women really just be friends? There is strong support for both sides of the argument and the conclusion is irritatingly inconclusive.

Have you ever done the torturous dance of 'are we friends?' The friendship game is a series of plausibly deniable moments. I am sitting next to you because that's where I happened to sit down. I am seeing a movie with you because we both want to see that movie. I am taking care of you because you're sick and need some TLC. Don't read into it ... we're just friends.

What you mean is "we're friends cause I think maybe you might want more but I'm not totally sure yet so I'll play the friendship game until I get a definitive signal one way or the other..."

Being near but not with someone is intoxicating. You're addicted to their company. You spend the whole time wanting, hiding, caught up in the secret thrill of their nearness and each stolen touch.

Don't get me wrong. Friendship between men and women happens all the time. I have heaps of friends that will never be anything more for a number of reasons.

I'm saying that the minute you find yourself in a situation like the above, it's game over for you buddy. If you find yourself asking the question of whether men and women can really just be friends, for you the answer is no.

Being the devil

2010-03-18T02:44:00.000-07:00

What lies in our power to do,
lies in our power not to do.

Aristotle

I've never been the devil before, at least not to my knowledge. None of my friends are demonic either. This keeps the world nicely uncomplicated and I rest easy at night.

Very few people actually intend to hurt others. We may be selfish at times. We may not always think things through but despite what the media would have us believe, we don't set each other up to fail.

Maybe I'm naive, but I'm learning that some decisions can't be made without collateral damage. I've always known this in a professional sense. Ethical behaviour in the workplace is straightforward but in relationships there's no such thing as firm but fair. There's only messy and subjective.

No, I've never been the devil before but once cast, it's surprisingly easy to fall into character. How many of us have thought, "well if that's the way you see me then FINE" and take that as permission to be bad? How easy is it to get sucked into a silly game and lose track of what you're doing?

What lies in your power to do, lies in your power not to do. Someone seeing you as a bad guy, doesn't make you one.

What your actions say about you...

2010-03-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

Words are plentiful, but deeds are precious.
Lech Walesa

People lie all the time. We say little, flattering white lies and sometimes big, self-protective whoppers. Sometimes we say things to convince ourselves as well as other people. Much truth depends on perspective.

Words are easily strung together and spoken. I'm not saying they're meaningless. It's just that they're too often used to convey what we wish was true, would be easier if it were true... what we're supposed to say. It's infinitely harder to deceive with our actions. We're less aware of the picture our actions paint over time and without conscious direction, they tend to reveal our innermost desires.

Over time, it is your actions that count long after your words have been forgotten.

Love finds expression in action. It's a far more powerful thing to act in love than to talk about it. So when we say we love people, do our actions agree? Do yours?

Muchness

2010-03-08T23:57:00.000-08:00

"You were much more Alice the last time we met. You used to be much muchier before. You have lost your muchness.”
The Mad Hatter - Alice in Wonderland

Why is a raven like a writing desk? The Mad Hatter hasn't the faintest idea. Yet, along the way along Alice discovers the antidote to his enigmatic riddle.

Perhaps you're a teacher, an engineer, a manager, a dancer, or a musician. Maybe you're a coffee snob or an undiscovered guitar-hero prodigy. Our sense of self is bound up in what we do each day and if everything falls apart tomorrow, we imagine so would we. Change inspires fear because we expect the worst. If any of these titles are stripped away from us, it feels like an impending doom.

Why IS a raven like a writing desk? Both bring tidings of bad news. What's the best way to greet bad news? With muchness.

It takes Alice some time and a number of tests before she has the courage to face that she is, in fact, THE Alice... THE Alice who is capable of slaying a jabberwocky. In Wonderland, she stops identifying with all the things she is supposed to do and be, the things that channelled her into a narrow life. Alice remembers who she was before life made her small and, with much muchness, she faces her destiny.

We are ALL subject to the slow dwindling of our muchness. Day by day, we allow ourselves to believe that we are less than who we truly are. We allow ourselves to become small.

Don't wait for a jabberwocky to appear in your life. Have the courage to be much more yourself, who you were before you became small and face your days with much muchness.

L

Love's soldier

2010-03-02T22:50:00.000-08:00

If your life is ever going to get better, you'll have to take risks.
There is simply no way you can grow without taking chances.

David Viscot

Trying to do the right thing can be tricky. There's no hard and fast rule that works every time. I always thought that to 'put others first' was a pretty good rule. How could being selfless ever be wrong? In tv shows growing up (like Family Ties or Full House), whenever the character had to make a hard choice, the right one was always to put others first.

Only, what happens when putting someone else first conflicts with following your heart?

If life was a boardgame with people's hopes, dreams and feelings being the pieces on it, all my pieces would be off the board. It's not that I don't have any, I just kept them out of the game. Occasionally I'd make a play of my own, but they were few and only ever in the peace zones. My main role was as the guard, defending my friends and helping them advance where they could.

Unfortunately, this role requires me to have a closed heart and I don't want to be that person anymore.

So, this is my declaration. I am not a spectator. I am more than a guard. I have a right to put my pieces on the board. My pieces are just as valuable as anyone else's.

I am still *love's soldier, only mine now as well as yours. My heart is open with the expectation of great adventure.

L

*Soldier of Love - Sade

Magic for grown-ups

2010-02-24T19:38:00.000-08:00

If we believe in magic, we'll live a magical life. If we believe our life is defined by narrow limits, we've suddenly made those beliefs real.
Anthony Robbins

When you're little, anything is possible. You haven't lived long enough to disprove the existence of magic. Adults convince you that wand-bearing creatures pay money for your teeth and a large, coca-cola coloured man breaks into your house to give you presents once a year... but only if you're good. Over time, you accept that dragons are fantasy, animals don't talk and dinosaurs died aeons ago. You give your Millennium Falcon to someone's 8yr old nephew and you leave the fairies at the bottom of the garden.

Except, the part of us that believed in magic is also the same part of us that truly experiences the world. It's your open and curious spirit, your confidence in the future. It's your thoughtless ability to throw your arms around someone with abandon. It's the part of you that approaches things boldly, expecting great adventure. It lets you fall down, cry for a bit, then run around again carefree and oblivious within minutes.

If this part of you dies, all the colour leaches from the world.

When you learned that magic doesn't exist, did you stop believing in anything else? True love? Providence? Peace? Is it easier to believe these things don't exist, or maybe just not for you...

What incredible opportunities do you label as a fairy or goblin and leave untouched at the bottom of the garden? These things are vital to life but the catch is, they're magic.

You have to believe in them.

Architects of joy

2010-02-18T19:35:00.000-08:00

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face into the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.

Mary Jean Iron

A common theme of the superhero is an aching desire to live a normal life. They dream of day without powers, fights and dramas ... a day where they wake up, go to work, see their friends, cook dinner and go to sleep. To them, normal life is full of treasure.

We take so much for granted, the small delights of our ordinary day. It's not until years later, looking back, we realise we held all the shards of happiness in our hand. So rarely do they all fit together into one shining moment.

We are the flawed architects of joy, choosing some shards and rejecting others, piecing them together in ill matched and unstable ways. If we stop and pay attention, we might see a new pattern emerging... a natural fit.

This is the challenge; make each ordinary day a treasure. Use only the shards right now in your hand.

L

Gravity and time

2010-02-14T22:32:00.000-08:00

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
Douglas Adams

When Einstein developed his theory of relativity, I wonder if he thought wryly to himself how time bends for the individual. Actual time ticks along the same for everyone, but the experience of it is relative to emotional gravity.

See, time goes slowly in high gravitational fields like grocery shopping, public transport, Friday afternoons and team meetings. Emotional states like boredom, pain and annoyance can stretch three minutes into an eternity. Likewise, time goes faster in low gravity fields like lunch, holidays, flirtatious encounters and the space between your door and the bus or train. Time sinks like treacle into memos, well meaning neighbours and movies set in ancient history. Your mobile phone is a black hole, PDAs doubly so. I've suspected for years that office spaces are built with a Murphy's Law machine in the concrete foundation that distorts time relative to workload. C'mon, you know exactly what I mean.

Time is problematic. There isn't enough when you need it and too much of it when you don't.

Lately, I've had the disquieting sensation that I'm not where I need to be or doing what I need to do. It adds a strange inertia to the usual gravity of time... kind of how you might feel if you catch the wrong train, discover it's an express and suddenly find yourself speeding away in the wrong direction with no clue as to when you can get off.

Last night I lay on the bonnet of my car miles away on Tamborine Mountain. With my hands behind my head, I looked at the stars and the shadow of distant mountains, pretending I had no other place to be. I waited for the tight inner knot to unravel and for time to fall out of hyperspace drive.

If time is an illusion, what are the gravitational forces affecting you?

L

A dragonfly's fate

2010-02-10T23:15:00.000-08:00

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Søren Kierkegaard

I don't believe in destiny or, when life isn't going the way I want, that God moves in mysterious ways. Personally, I think this just comes from a desire to make sense of life. Looking back, we trace the path of our lives and the lessons we learnt along the way and force it all into an unnatural narrative. Little did you know when you ate that undercooked chicken that the food poisoning would lead you to the doctor you were destined to marry. Nice story ... but in a parallel universe where you sniff tested the chicken first, did you also then end up alone? I doubt it. Little did you know that when you ate out instead, your conversation with the restaurant owner would inspire you to travel to Tuscany.

So much happens outside our direct control. We can only decide what's next. In this light, to say 'I regret nothing because it made me who I am today' is both a healthy attitude and a case of thank-you Captain Obvious.

It sends me mental each time I try to make sense of my life. I'm like a dragonfly, darting from one storyline to the next. It doesn't make sense and it won't all magically weave together into one whole, amazing picture once I step back and look at it. It's no use logically projecting where I'll end up next. Rather, if I make each decision according to conscience, I'm confident that my weird, crazy patchwork of choices will lead me to a full and interesting life. Then, I'll be happy enough to say...

'I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.'
Douglas Adams

Always strong

2010-02-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

[Love] always hopes, always trusts and always remains strong
1 Corinthians 13:7b
New Century Version

I couldn't get to sleep last night. I tried counting sheep but it made me miss New Zealand. All my herbal remedies (the totally legitimate kind) are with a friend. So, I picked up the mobile phone and started browsing facebook. One of my Christian contacts had a status about 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient. Love is kind ... you know, the famous wedding verses. The usual trick with this passage is to replace 'love' with 'God' in an effort to override our Thor/Zeus/Father Time-like images of the man upstairs. This person challenged themselves to replace 'love' with their own name.

Don't ask me why I looked up the verses. I haven't opened a bible in two years.

L always hopes, always trusts and always remains strong. It sounds naive. Some people should not be trusted. Hope fails and so does strength. It seems wiser (or at least easier) to lower expectations, be wary and to project strength. You can alway counter hope with reality, trust with remembered wounds and overall just harden the fuck up.

This kind of strength is like a muscles of gym ape. It looks impressive (oh so impressive!) but the muscles are only good at behaving the same way every time. There's no balance, flexibility or range of movement in them. In the same way, projected strength can only react one way to everything, to harden the shell further and hide deeper ... keeping you dark, brooding and brittle underneath.

Always hope, always trust and always remain strong ... that's a truly whole person, a person worth becoming.

Coaxing the truth

2010-02-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

"The truth speaks to me from a peaceful place. Gotta set the stage to hear it, you know what I mean?"
Special Agent Lundy
Dexter - Season 2

I spent the last five days curled up on the couch with a box of tissues, lemon ginger tea and three unwholesomely addictive seasons of Dexter. It's not the most profound setting I know, but inspiration comes from strange places. The character of Special Agent Lundy is an older man who cracks impossible cases. In this scene, he sits in a room with grisly crime photographs on the wall and relaxing jazz playing on the stereo. It seems bizarre, even crazy, but he's searching for the right soundtrack to his thoughts. Surely these dead and mutilated corpses deserve more respectful tones. This music is something you might cook dinner to or enjoy a glass of wine.

Amid the noise of facts, dates, horror, pressure, media and whatever else, the character creates a calm atmosphere and waits for the truth to reveal itself. The crucial link is there, he knows it ... but it won't be found through wracking his brain, debating or going over the same ground again and again. Those are the very distractions that create a haystack around the needle. From a peaceful place, the truth has a chance to stand out, to speak.

We always see other people's problems clearer than our own because we're caught up in the noise of our situation, our expectations and emotions. Maybe if we sit quietly with the data, try putting unrelated things side by side, add a different colour, or listen to a different music we'll create a space for the truth to speak. What else catches your attention?

Set the stage to hear it.

Permanent awesomeness

2010-01-31T22:56:00.000-08:00

The more authentic you become, the more genuine in your expression, particularly regarding personal experiences and even self-doubts, the more people can relate to your expression and the safer it makes them feel to express themselves. That expression in turn feeds back on the other person's spirit, and genuine creative empathy takes place, producing new insights and learnings.

Stephen Covey

I got some interesting feedback last week on the Quote of the Day. A reader marvelled at how brave I was to be vulnerable in front of so many people. It takes courage to reveal that you're struggling. How much safer it is to pretend that everything is fine - even when you're telling news that's clearly not.

Maybe it's more polite that way. Maybe it's socially acceptable. In fact, acting as though things are permanently awesome has the double benefit of convincing yourself at the same time. I did this for years. I wanted SO MUCH to be the person I painted for others but (deep down, I always knew) I wasn't. So, I took a vow of authenticity. There is no end that justifies the means.

See, people who are permanently awesome affect others in a number ways. They give us something to look up to, to aim for, to emulate. They also (inadvertently) make us feel worse when it all falls down for us. We're left wondering why the hell isn't my life like theirs? What's wrong with me? If the day comes that their life falls down too, well! That's even worse! It's like finding out Santa Clause isn't real.

I'm content to be one of the fallen. I'll call poo sh!t and roses roses. There's both in the world and they each serve a purpose. The Quote of the Day is a journey and I imagine myself a travel writer of sorts. Maybe I'm misguided... if well intentioned.

Though, last week I also heard feedback saying "sometimes I wonder what the hell you're on about."

Sometimes I wonder that too ;-)

L

What's really there?

2010-01-29T16:15:00.000-08:00

Few are those who see with their own eyes
and feel with their own hearts.

Albert Einstein

Begin to see what is in front of you,
rather than what you learned is there.

Stephen C. Paul

Have you ever arrived somewhere only to have no memory of how you got there? You're in the driver seat and your hands are on the steering wheel, but the trip is a total blank.

Familiarity gets us by in a busy world. If you're familiar with the route to your desk every morning, you can drink a cup of coffee, balance your bag, SMS someone about the weekend and plan the day ahead. You can fret about your partner (or not having one), listen to your iPod and view ads for fewer wrinkles, healthy McDonald's, Australia's thinnest condom and free FloodWise Property Reports.

No wonder the time goes quickly. No wonder the days blur together. We see, react and respond by rote because that's all we have time for.

What kind of life is that? You can go through a whole week without seeing the colour of the clouds or without laughing at the bus driver that sneaked a pick and flick while no-one was on board (it happened this morning). You can go without smelling the rain or feeling the bright, warm sunlight behind your closed eyelids. Why rely on those brief, shining moments of holiday when it's *normal* to live that way?

See what's there, not just what you expect. There's so much more going on in the world.

Deep down I always knew...

2010-01-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's.
Billy Wilder

Intuition is a spiritual faculty and does not explain, but simply points the way.
Florence Scovel Shinn

There's an expression that starts 'deep down, I always knew ...' It finishes in a myriad of ways. Deep down I always knew (s)he didn't love me the same way. Deep down I always knew I'd leave this city. Deep down I always knew it would hurt, but I wanted to believe differently.

We know these things with surprising certainty but don't want to acknowledge them until they're real. Before then, it can't be true. It's just a feeling. There's nothing tangible we can point to, no way to explain it to someone else. So, we choose not to act or to pretend things are as they appear on the surface. We can claim innocence at the end then and nobody is ever the wiser. Except, deep down, we always knew...

Your instinct is what you know before your doubts, self preservation and habits crowd in over the top. It's what you know before everyone else tells you otherwise. Trust what you know. Trust your instinct.

What is it telling you?

The art of HTFU

2010-01-26T23:26:00.000-08:00

Patience is a virtue”
Proverbs

"Patience: A minor form of despair disguised as a virtue."
Ambrose Bierce

I like to think that I have virtues. I readily admit, patience is not one of them. It's all well and good to be a person of action but, not being God, so many things are outside my power and timing. Patience is more necessity than virtue. Oh, to be omnipotent and have no need for patience! Love, I understand. Faith, I understand. Trust, hope, courage, generosity ... all these things I grasp and have in some measure but how do I be patient?

I can line up at the supermarket. I can make popcorn the old fashioned way. I can wait for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The despair is minor when the desire is mild. So, patience must be my level of tolerance for not having something I desperately want. Since I can't magic patience out of thin air, I'll have to work on the 'not having' and 'desperately wanting' parts of the equation.

'Not having' lends itself to action. What can I do to increase my chances of getting what I want? Unfortunately, if my hands are tied or my actions fruitless, it's easy to fall into despair. The only thing left in my control is the 'desperately wanting' part.

To have patience is to HTFU?

Really, my world shouldn't hang in the balance of having or not having a thing I want. That makes me more like a 3 year old child falling in a limp, wailing floor-heap because Mummy won't buy a Caramello Koala... waaaay too much importance on a single desire. Even if my real desire is much loftier than chocolate, what a waste of time, energy and emotions on something I don't have!

There are far too many other things in this world to enjoy. Let's see if I can distract myself with some of them.

L

Wind of change

2010-01-24T22:40:00.000-08:00

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life.

Unattributed

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned,
so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

Sometimes, life has a path. Outside forces act like the wind and tide directing us to new continents. Resistance is too hard a battle so reset your sail and explore a new world. It's not the destination you had in mind, but who knows what you might experience and learn along the way?

Sometimes, life has no path. The air is breathless and still. The water swirls listlessly and without direction. In these times, it's a comfort to think there's a life waiting for us somewhere ahead. Surely you must eventually drift out of the doldrums into a new, exciting current. Assuming no proverbial bus, there IS a life ahead.

I no longer believe that life can be known in advance. It can be imagined or partly deduced from the present but life doesn't exist until you get there.

My challenge right now is letting go of a powerful illusion described to me separately by two clairvoyants last year. That stuff was always hokum to me before. I'm not sure why I believed it this time. They came recommended. I was, myself, a pudding proof of their power! I was described to a friend before we even met. Their predictions have come true for my companions and mine seemed to be happening as well. The winds of change blew rightly within the timeframe just as described and then ... but then ... it evaporated. I rode the wind eagerly to discover the promised continent was a mirage.

So, now what?

Blow wind ... flow water. I'm scanning the horizon for a new adventure.

L

Back to work

2010-01-21T20:15:00.000-08:00

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
Fireflies - Owl City

This song is stuck in my head. Partly, that's because my flatmate only knows the one line and partly because the photograph mural on my wall throws life into sudden contrast.

Somewhere in the world, there's a broken piece of glacier floating, slowly dissolving in a mountain lake. There's a curled up fern frond unbending its reddish bundle toward the sun. There's cloud bank that parts the ice-bound peaks from farmer's green fields below. There's a droplet of water shaping a limestone curtain deep within the earth.

What am I doing? Well, today I ate my entire breakfast and drank a cup of coffee while the computer booted up, waited in the printer queue for 5 minutes and I banged my head on the screen (literally) when Word was being unreasonable. I restarted my email program because it froze, shared my precious outside moments with noxious smoker clouds and shivered because 1-3pm is, inexplicably yet consistently, cold o'clock.

Hi ho, hi ho...

Goodbye fiction

2010-01-20T21:48:00.000-08:00

What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others.

Anon

The alarm goes off in the morning. You eat breakfast and get ready for the day. Before you walk out the door, you put on your happy face. Someone asks 'how are you?' and you answer 'fine'. You're perfect, just like everybody else.

Some people ARE happy, don't get me wrong. The point is that they're not living in the garden of Eden any more than you are. It's good to imitate the things we admire in each other, as long as we don't make the mistake of thinking they've got life figured out. It shouldn't come as a shock when couples break up, people admit boredom or sneak a tearful interlude in the staff bathrooms. That's what life is like.

This year, I've decided to do things a little differently. I'm leaving behind the fictions that are supposed to make me happy or that make my life seem what it's not.

To hell with the pursuit of love ... to all that flirtation needed to maintain the buoyancy of my ego. It might seem shiny when I speak of different guys expressing interest but honestly? It's a massive energy drain that usually ends in disappointment. The flattery of beating them off with a stick is fiction. I no longer look to like. I'll be unavailable except to the most promising of candidates. Seriously, I have better things to do.

To hell with the pursuit of the merry single life too. It might seem shiny to have all those photos up on facebook of wild nights out but honestly? It's a late night, alcohol poisoning and poor performance for days afterward. I am defeating myself, living counter productively ... and for what? The merry single life is fiction. There are better things to do and I will be in better shape to do them.

Not only do we have an exaggerated idea of the happiness of others, but also of lifestyles. They're junk food. They fill you up and taste good in the moment but there's no real nutrition there.

I want a life worth living.

Prosperity and survival

2009-12-19T20:08:00.000-08:00

The human race has had long experience and a fine tradition
in surviving adversity. But we now face a task for which
we have little experience: the task of surviving prosperity.

Alan Gregg

I don’t think of myself as prosperous. I have a modest bank account. I don’t own any fancy jewellery or want any. I live in a room I rent from a friend. Yet, wondering whether I can go another year without a big screen tv is not just preposterous, it’s wholly monstrous.

Like everyone these days, I’m time poor. ‘Time is money’ they say, but I wonder if money also equals time? Our grandparents fixed things. They saved for things. They hunted around for a bargain and they walked away from things. Yet, I’ll spend money at the drycleaner to sew a strap back on my dress because I’m time poor. I might even go and buy a new dress. I’ll waive the 70c change from the taxi driver because he’s taking too long hunting around the cabin. I’ll spend money at a cafe for lunch and Noodlebox for dinner because I haven’t had the time or the energy to cook. Time earns me money, but money buys me time.

Time to do what though? Chat online for hours? Watch a movie? Change my status on facebook? These distractions are mostly frippery. What kind of life is this? At the end of the day, I’ve spent my money on things that are empty of real meaning and then I have no money and still no time.

Such a dilemma must be unfathomable to the woman who works all day for a cup of rice to feed her children. Moreso to the man who returns wounded and empty handed because the warlord raided the Red Cross supply and he didn’t have enough to buy what was his in charity and compassion.

Yes, I am truly prosperous and monstrous at the same time.

How can we survive prosperity with integrity?

Turn around - try again

2009-12-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

Don't feel sorry for yourself if you have
chosen the wrong road--turn around!

Edgar Cayce

There's a saying that you've made your bed, now lie in it... or that you've dug your own grave. I think the original intent of the taunt was that you can't expect to act selfishly without consequence. Yet, for some reason we tend to misapply it to intolerable situations in life because the change needed to fix a problem freaks the cr@p out of us.
"Well," you say to yourself, "I decided to go down this path so now I'll have to make the best of it." Then we pour time and energy into being unhappy while refusing to do anything about it.

My favourite thing to do was pretend I had no choice. I couldn't change my path because it was somehow against the rules or someone would be upset with me. I suppose you can't imagine that, since I tend to be very forthcoming and dismissive of the social code these days. "The code is more what you'd call 'guidelines' than actual rules," is how I'd put it (thanks to Capt Barbossa). It was very convenient, though, to say I didn't have a choice. It absolved me from ever have to do anything hard. I absolved me of my own unhappiness.

The truth is, you're never stuck. You're never without a choice. Sure, people don't like it when you change the playing field on them but eventually the world equalises again.

So, if you find yourself on the wrong road, turn around. It's never too late.

Paying attention

2009-12-02T23:07:00.000-08:00

Success or failure, the truth of a life really has little
to do with its quality. The quality of life is in
proportion, always, to the capacity for delight.
The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention.

Julia Cameron

My mind wanders ... a lot. In fact, I would so far as to say that I spend most of my time either reliving and analysing the past, contextualising the present, or amusing myself with possible futures. So, what happens to the physical world while the mind is elsewhere? It passes by unabsorbed and unappreciated.

The gift of the mind is that it's your private space, but what goes on in the real world is far more important.

Every now and then I get a fit of restlessness. I realise that I've wasted great chunks of time thinking about stuff (mostly inconsequential) and completely ignored my other senses. I forget how absolutely satisfying living in the now is. It's rich with sensation and magic that you'll never get back once the moment has gone.

Next time you see me, click your fingers in front of my face and ask 'oi, are you with me?'

L

Live all you can

2009-11-29T20:09:00.000-08:00

Live all you can. It's a mistake not to.
It doesn't much matter what you do in particular,
so much as you LIVE while you're doing it.

Henry James

The Conversations With God books put forward a theory that the reason why we live the lives we do is because we seek particular experiences. The meaning of life is not 42 after all. It's to experience the world and grow through that experience. In this theory, things are not good or bad, they simply are. Through 2009, I tried this outlook on for size. It's amazing how suddenly life opens up once you face it fearlessly. There is no cause for regret... ever, no matter what you decide to do.

I've walked into experiences and appreciated them for their own sake, regardless of how they turned out. This past year, some things turned to sh*t and hurt like bugg@ry but I don't regret them for a second. I went in with my eyes wide open and I saw a lot. This past year, some things worked out wonderfully and I'm glad that I took risks that I've shied away from in the past. I used to live life under a shroud of anxiety about whether it was the right path to take, the good Christian thing to do and what life might have been like had I chosen differently.

Now I can quite honestly say that it doesn't matter.

Live all you can - even the rough bits - and a world of nuance and wonder will open up.

L

The person you hope to become

2009-11-24T22:57:00.000-08:00

Learn to ask, "How would I handle this situation were I the person I hope to become?"
Ari Kiev

It's amazing how powerful internal messages can be. Last night at dance class, I stuffed up a move I've done perfectly well countless times ... but I did it in front of the whole class while the instructor was demonstrating something with me. Suddenly, my internal dialogue shifted from 'I do this well and I love it' to 'I'm no good at this' and I struggled for the rest of the lesson. When I imagine that I'm a great dancer, everything comes naturally. When I think like a beginner, I fail... massively.

I don't believe in the laws of attraction made popular by The Secret and other new age dialogues. I do think you live up to the expectation you have of yourself. If you think you're a generous person, you'll act generously. If you think of yourself as awkward around the opposite sex, you surely will be. It works in advance of the fact too. If you believe you're charming, that belief will lead the way and shape your behaviour until it becomes an integral part of who you are.

Earlier this week, a work colleague gave me paper on appreciative inquiry, an idea similar to this used in workplace change. If you focus on fixing problems, you'll only get mired in them. If you focus on doing more of what already works, you develop a positive outlook that's based on an existing track record and that inspires you to keep improving.

So today, instead of thinking 'if I was smart/good looking/healthy etc then I would do x' ... what would you do right now if you were already that person?

L

Airflow

2009-11-22T19:21:00.000-08:00

Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion.
Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception.
Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude.
Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed
and limps along the spiritual road.

John Henry Jowett

***
Tell me how I'm s'posed to breathe with no air.
'No Air'Chris Brown & Jordin Sparks

A friend of mine has a facebook status that says love is like fluid, just when you think you are cupping it in your hands, it slowly flows through your fingers. She wondered if there was an art to holding onto love. We all do it - hold onto love - or at least we try, but it's like holding your breath. A deep breath is glorious but it won't sustain you for long.

Love is necessary for survival and we cling to it because it seems so scarce. Love is cautiously given, jealously guarded and hard to relinquish even when it ceases to resemble itself. It's like we're all afraid we'll run out of air, so we breathe sparingly and only when we must. When love leaves, our hope goes with it because meagre as was, it was air.

When replying to the status, I pondered thankfulness as the key. Simple gratitude is the active ingredient that gives permission for love to come and go as it may. After all, love held against its will becomes stagnant and toxic. If you cherish what you have while you have it then you've enjoyed everything that deep breath had to offer. It's not so hard to breathe out then and let it go.

Love is a renewable resource. There will be another breath.

L

The magic of belief

2009-11-18T22:55:00.000-08:00

We never encounter a mountain greater than doubt.Doubt is a deceiver. It is as a thief in the night.Remove it, do not let it come nigh your dwelling.

Frater Achad

Yesterday, I ran up a mountain. I know I live on an old, flat continent and the term 'mountain' should be read in that context, but still ... it was 2km uphill and I was very proud of myself. I think the achievement was possible because, at the foot of the mountain, I said to myself "yeh, I can do that." As I neared the top and was seriously running out of puff, I became the little engine that could. "It's not that much further. How disappointed would I be if I gave up now?? Just stick it out."

There's a kind of magic in determination. There's magic in belief.

If you tell yourself that you can, before you know it you're at the top of the mountain. You're on top of the world.

L

Worth your patience

2009-11-16T02:14:00.001-08:00

I remembered one morning when I discovered a cocoon in the bark of a tree, just as the butterfly was making a hole in its case and preparing to come out. I waited a while, but it was too long appearing and I was impatient. I bent over it and breathed on it to warm it. I warmed it as quickly as I could and the miracle began to happen before my eyes, faster than life. The case opened, the butterfly started slowly crawling out and I shall never forget my horror when I saw how its wings were folded back and crumpled; the wretched butterfly tried with its whole trembling body to unfold them. Bending over it, I tried to help it with my breath. In vain. It needed to be hatched out patiently and the unfolding of the wings should be a gradual process in the sun. Now it was too late. My breath had forced the butterfly to appear, all crumpled, before its time. It struggled desperately and, a few seconds later, died in the palm of my hand.

That little body is, I do believe, the greatest weight I have on my conscience. For I realize today that it is a mortal sin to violate the great laws of nature. We should not hurry, we should not be impatient, but we should confidently obey the eternal rhythm.

from Zorba the Greek

We live in a world of instant gratification... credit cards, communication across time and space and, of course, McDonalds. I don't know about you, but I often wonder how I ever survived without the umbilical cord of the internet and mobile keeping me wirelessly connected to my network of friends. Seconds are like hours, days like weeks and months? Months take forever! Everything I want should be here and now. Yet, I'm starting to realise instant gratification has been a slow-working drug on my system. It has lowered my tolerance for life in all its fullness and, if I can't get what I want when I want it, whatever it is gets tossed into a too hard basket.

How did people survive when letters took weeks, even months to arrive and journeys took their loved ones away for years? How did people survive when all they had was one fixed landline for the whole family and if you missed a call, you missed it. How did people survive when the internet was only available on computers and if you were out and about, you just had to wing it?

Well... they did because they had to.

I wonder what experience of life we miss out on by settling for what can be had here and now? What is worth your patience?

L

Song

2009-11-12T19:22:00.001-08:00

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer;
it sings because it has a song.

Maya Angelou

Where does joy come from? When you walk down the street, some people wear a scowl, most people wear blank, unreadable faces but every now and then you catch the eye of someone with a deep seated joy who doesn't care if you see it. Sometimes, joy comes remarkable and unbidden into a moment. Unfortunately these moments are few and far between. You'll spend long, languorous days between hits if this is your only source. Real joy is born of an attitude you take with you at all times.

I'm not talking about 'don't worry be happy'. Actually I've never been able to manage that level of flippancy. Rather, I try to have a propensity for joy ... to appreciate something for its own sake. When you do this, suddenly all the little things make you smile. A word. A bird wheeling on the updraft of a stormy sky. A smell. A dance.

You may not have the answers. You can always have a song.

The new diary

2009-11-11T18:07:00.001-08:00

We find by losing. We hold fast by letting go.
We become something new by ceasing to be something old.

Frederick Buechner

I finished a diary last weekend and am about to start writing in a new book. Each time this happens, it feels in some small way like New Year's Eve. The woes of the former diary are a thing of the past, shoved into a box in my cupboard with all the past pains and exaltations. Blank pages have the hope of fortuity and adventure. Like the opening scenes of a novel, a new diary ought to begin with a narrative of change and fresh challenge.

Unfortunately, I'm in a holding pattern right now. Sure, there are episodes - or perhaps escapades might be better - but there is no new path, new scene or self-image I want to become. 2009 has been like a doorway year, not quite in one place yet not in the other. I've been sitting in an airport lounge, gazing out the window toward another country that I can't quite access yet.

So, what will I write when I sit down with my cup of tea, my pen and a fresh book? Novels all begin differently, I suppose. Sometimes their opening pages are life as usual for the lead character and little does she know the drama about to unfold.

L

This is who I am

2009-11-05T19:56:00.001-08:00

I was once afraid of people saying, Who does she think she is?
Now I have the courage to stand and say, This is who I am.

Oprah Winfrey

I'm not sure whether people really do snipe like that but certainly, we hear this question in our heads. Anyone with half a shred of self esteem at some point feels like they ought to think less of themselves, especially women. You may think that those visions strutting by with their long strides, their hair flicks and smiles are full of courage and confidence but that's not necessarily the case. The confidence of beautiful women is often a brittle, osteoporatic thing that needs a lot of compliments and broken hearts to maintain.

So forget about them. Have the courage to be who you want to be. Just be aware that it'll be uncomfortable at first. That's the trouble with stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new. You imagine that everyone else thinks you're a tosser. For a time, you feel painfully self conscious that every move you make is criticised by others. Honestly though, people don't pay half as much attention to you as you imagine they do. In any given moment they're more likely to be thinking about themselves, their own troubles and wondering what you think of them!

Is it the same for guys, I wonder?

Making difficult decisions

2009-11-02T19:40:00.000-08:00

When one bases one's life on principle,
99 percent of his or her decisions are already made.

unattributed

I know people who refuse to give advice because it's not up to them to tell other people what to do. They're right of course. It's unhealthy to have that level of control or to submit your will to someone else all the time. Still, where do you turn if you're unsure of what to do? With whom do you talk and what do you say when someone comes to you for advice?

Personally, I believe even the most confused person, deep down, knows what they want to do. They just get distracted by the detail of what may or may not happen. What will other people think? What if they fail? No, don't tell people what to do. That's only creating a burden for yourself. Instead, try to unravel all that silly string they've layered over the top of their decision. What is their stronger emotion and why do they feel that way? Is the emotion even ABOUT the decision or is it a hangover from the past that's colouring the decision unnecessarily? Remind them of who they are and who they want to be.

The people you trust can still see you with clarity when you feel fuzzy.

A decision made with integrity and based on who you are - even if it goes belly up in the end - is the right one. It's the right one because it will lead you to grow through your decisions rather than regret them.

Who am I around?

2009-10-26T23:18:00.000-07:00

You must constantly ask yourself these questions:
Who am I around? What are they doing to me?
What have they got me reading? What have they
got me saying? Where do they have me going?
What do they have me thinking? And most important,
what do they have me becoming? Then ask
yourself the big question: Is that okay?

Jim Rohn

Other people have a greater influence on us than we probably realise. We can claim that we don't care what others think. That might even be true for the most part, but social patterning is instinctive. We are social animals. We naturally, gradually morph our speech patterns, behaviours and general view to resemble the people around us.

People can spur you on to be a better person, to experience more of life or they can pull you down to have lower expectations. It's all well and good to imagine yourself as an individual in control of your own destiny, but the people you surround yourself will determine what feels normal and natural to you.

I know lots of people but the ones I value the most - the ones I call friends - I haven't just fallen in with. I actually hand picked them for a reason. I see in them a sense of integrity, dignity, a flair for life and a willingness to grow into something great. I believe in them and look out for them to the best of my ability. I trust what they reflect back to me and that they're looking out for me too.

If I ask myself that big question 'is that okay?', the answer is 'yes'.

Can you say the same?

$20 Thief

2009-10-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again,
it was probably worth it.
Author Unknown

At first glance, this reads like one of those 'like it or lump it' type statements. It's the type of thing someone says when they're hurt as all buggery but pretending to be unaffected. Heck, if I could speak it with a 'he ain't worth it girlfriend, mmhmmm' sway of the head and click of the fingers, I would.

Yesterday, I absolutely reeled from news that felt like surely I must wake up at any moment. I was gutted. Truly gutted. Someone said this phrase to me and, while I wasn't in the mood to entertain it at the time, it now prompts me to frame things a different way. The narrative I ascribe to my situation now will forever colour my feelings about this and anything that remotely resembles it in the future.

Ok, clearly we're not talking about $20 here.

If you give someone trust, love, faith, time, energy, support ... (fill in the blank) and they disappear with it - is it possible to feel like it was worth it? Whatever portion you gave them, it's only a fraction of what you'll have to give over time. So they disappeared with something of yours... that shows the relationship you really had with them far more clearly that you would ever have seen otherwise.

Surely it was worth it to find that out.

Goodbye my $20 thief. I hope you spend it wisely.

A journey of ideals

2009-10-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching
them with your hands. But like seafarers on the
desert waters, you choose them as your guides,
and following them you will reach your destiny.

Carl Schurz

Which is more important, the destination or the journey? Our instinct is to focus on our destination. We are reminded to pay attention to the journey. Does it have to be one at the expense of the other? Surely they are equally important.

It's both a relief and a disappointment to think that we will never achieve our ideals. You might wonder, what's the point of having them if they're unattainable? Honestly, when was the last time you thought to yourself "finally, my booty is bangin" or "finally, now I'm pure of thought and deed" ... it just doesn't happen. Ideals are constantly moving goal posts. You'll drive yourself mad trying to reach them as destinations.

I keep reminding myself of this as I pursue a healthier lifestyle, physically, emotionally and spiritually. There will never be a destination that I'm content to reach. Simply, the act of pursuit will bring about my destiny.

L

The wrong road

2009-10-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

They will say you are on the wrong road, if it is your own.

Antonio Porchi

Do you have the courage to follow your heart or do you follow the advice of others? Don't get me wrong. Listening to advice is a good thing but how do you sound out what's wisdom and what's just a parroted version of what they were told? People who give advice are more often affirming their own decisions than truly considering yours. We act on that advice because it's consistent with the social conscience we're given and what's considered normal.

I don't believe we are all meant to walk the same road. At least, I don't believe I am meant to. Following the standard rules and making the standard decisions can only lead to Thoreau's life of quiet desperation. You'll go to the grave with your song unsung.

It's hard to choose differently. Few people try, let alone succeed. I'm not talking about people who become famous for the pursuit of their dream. I mean people who face their decisions with honesty and courage, who choose to live and love fearlessly. Such an attitude would take you to all manner of places, people and experiences. Surely that's what it means to live your life and of that, surely, we are all capable.

Evidential Love

2009-09-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

The world is blessed most by people who do things,
not by those who merely talk about them.
James Oliver

You've probably heard about the concept of love languages. These are gifts, words, deeds and physical affection. The idea behind a love language is that one of these (moreso than the others) is how you express your own love and feel the love of others. If you're the kind of person who likes to say and hear the words 'I love you' but you're with someone who's touchy feely, you might feel quite unloved. It's the same with friendship. There are huggy friends, gift-giving friends and ones who are always ready to help. If you don't respond in kind, then you start to drift apart.

What I find interesting is that three of the love languages are action-based and only one of them uses words.

People believe things without evidential proof all the time. We can stubbornly believe what we want to about a person and that belief stays incredibly powerful over many years. Yet, if something is not backed up by action, how real can it honestly be?

If you can't tell by now, I sit quite firmly in the deeds camp. I am the original word-girl after all, but even I see that words are empty without deeds.

The world is blessed by people who walk the walk. To me, the rest is smoke and mirrors.

When?

2009-09-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

Whatever you want to do, do it now.
There are only so many tomorrows.

Michael Landon

I have a little four-word saying that I repeat to myself sometimes.
'When, if not now?'

That saying has sparked all of the major changes in my life these past two years. When will I start taking care of myself, if not now? When will I have a social life and a closet full of party dresses, if not now? When will I stand up for what I believe I deserve, if not now? How can my future look any different unless I start acting differently now?

When you delay a choice, you are still making a choice. Often the decision gets harder as time goes by until one day you realise that you made it a long time ago without meaning to. 'Later' was just a more palatable version of 'no'.

To say that you don't know how many tomorrows you have is over-confronting and fatalistic. Rather, how many tomorrows do you have before the choice is no longer viable? You don't want to take the lid off it one day, apply the sniff test and have to pour it down the sink, blocking your nose with the other hand.

When, if not now?

Dare

2009-09-13T03:03:00.000-07:00

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare;
it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.

Seneca

Usually the difficult things we face are not, in themselves, difficult tasks when you break it down. Talk to someone. Go for a walk. Don't eat (or drink) something. Keep your distance. Make a phone call. See the doctor. Write a sentence. Whatever it is, it's usually a fairly simple task.

What makes it difficult is the weight of anticipation that we lay over the top of the action. It is the fear of failure (or success) and what that means to you. It's a fear of rejection or a resistance to being told what to do. It's impatience with not seeing a result straight away. It's hesitation in case we get a result we don't want.

Your battle is not with the task. It's just a task ... a moment in time. It's an external thing that you choose to do or not do. Your battle is elsewhere, internal, ongoing. It still needs to be fought, otherwise those issues will always make the task difficult. The knack, it seems, is to separate the two. Do the task, then fight the battle. Doing the task often turns the tide of battle in your favour.

It is only because you do not dare, that it seems difficult.

Vignette Days

2009-09-13T03:00:00.000-07:00

Let every dawn of morning be to you as the beginning of life, and every setting sun be to you as its close:—then let every one of these short lives leave its sure record of some kindly thing done for others—some goodly strength or knowledge gained for yourselves.

John Ruskin

I like the idea of each day being a new life, but the analogy breaks down pretty quickly. I came to work today so that I would be paid on Monday. A lot of the things I do today are echoes of yesterday and seeds for tomorrow.

If your life was a series of short stories or vignettes then each day would need to be whole unto itself with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Most importantly, it would have to have meaning, action, drama, purpose, closure. A side effect of being the English Queen is that I often narrate my life inside my own head. My flatmate occasionally declares that my life is sometimes more like the movies or a sitcom than real life. I'm not sure how much of that is happenstance, whether I create it that way, or whether it's just an effect of the re-telling. Still, it amuses me to hear that because it's how I frame my life inside my head.

In a sitcom, the world falls apart and is put back together again in half an hour (22 minutes actually, if you account for ad breaks). The characters don't have time to draw out their storylines endlessly.

Imagine you were a viewer of your own life. What do you think you would be shouting at the tv as you clutch at your pillow? If today was a single episode, what happened in it? What story thread opened or closed today? What thematic link will you pick up on again tomorrow?

If your life was a tv series, would you want to watch it?

The Default Setting

2009-09-13T02:59:00.000-07:00

"Not to decide is to decide...
What are you choosing by failing to choose?
Is this how you want to live your life: by default?"

Neale Donald Walsch

Oooh heavy! This doesn't apply to situations where it's wise consider something thoroughly before making a choice. It's more about those choices we don't want to make, or put off because we're waiting for external factors to change and essentially make the choice for us. Don't fool yourself. You know the difference. Be aware, though, that while you think you haven't decided yet ... life moves on. The people around you aren't in your head and you leave them to interpret your inactivity in ways you never intended, or sometimes never imagined.

Occasionally we can't make decisions until we know what others think or feel about it. This can be fair enough, but you still have to determine how long you're willing to stay in limbo. Other people can unwittingly hold you to ransom this way. You end up serving their outcome even as you imagine yourself still to be undecided.

Are you living your life by default right now? What are you choosing by failing to choose?

Dreams in a box

2009-09-13T02:50:00.000-07:00

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, “Yes, I’ve got dreams, of course, I’ve got dreams.” Then they put the box away and bring it out once in a while to look in it, and yep, they’re still there.

Erma Bombeck

Yesterday's daily meditation talked about letting things happen in their own time and not forcing them to happen out of impatience or anxiety. It's a curious contrast. Do you pursue your dreams or do you let them happen? What about barriers? Are they a sign to wait or are they a test of your resolve? Sometimes people stand in the way of our dreams because it conflicts in some way with their dreams or expectations... but why should their dreams matter more than yours? Why their boundaries impenetrable and permanent and yours negotiable? Well, it's because we let them.

Sometimes we put our dreams back into a box because we don't really believe them possible. Writing a book was... well ... is one such dream for me. It seemed quite a possibility when I was younger and I even wrote a song about it that started
'They say that you mustn't end up on the shelf
but I can't think of anything else
I'd rather do with my life
than to see my name there."

...but in actual fact, I haven't written fiction in years. I put the dream back into its box in order to live a more mainstream life because I needed to come back to and live in reality with everyone else. I don't know when precisely I internalised that belief, but even now it's quite strong. Every now and then I pull out the box, unwrap that dream tenderly and say 'yes I'll write a book one day'. Then I doubt myself, wrap it back up in nostalgia like a precious ornament ...and I put the box away.

Know your name

2009-08-26T23:57:00.000-07:00

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

Everything will be fine

Jason Mraz (feat James Morrison) - Details in the Fabric

I love the simplicity of this. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing in my life that has any kind of momentum to it. I have a tantalising promise of future events with no basis in reality and recent events have put me into quite an emotional tailspin.

Yet, there I sat on the bus last Friday all toasty and warm in the new spring sun, listening my iPod. This song came on. In that moment, it seemed like I was listening to clear and profound instructions. Hold your own. Know your name. Go your own way.

What does it mean to know your name? Of course I know my name. It's on my licence, my passkey at work, my email address. There are people on the other side of the world who know my name and have never met me. Yet this is not about what I do, who I'm with or whether I prefer coke or pepsi. Your name is who you really are when you go for a long walk, when you're on the bus staring out the window, when it's late at night and you close your eyes.

That is all I have right now but I'm ready for what's next. Everything will be fine.

L

Denying your feelings

2009-08-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

By going along with feelings, you unify your emotional, mental and bodily states. When you try to fight or deny them,you divorce yourself from the reality of your being.

Jane Roberts

In church, they often tell you to be honest with God because He sees everything anyway. Do you really think you can hide your sins from someone all-seeing and all-knowing? You may as well fess up and own it.

When Christians do this, they feel an instant release and calm. The awesome power of God's unlimited forgiveness washes over them and they're clean.

The power behind this activity is that, for a moment at least, you stop lying to yourself about how you REALLY feel. You give yourself permission to be honest with yourself. Believe it or not, you actually do know how you feel. You actually do know what your reasons are. It's just that, instead of being honest, we befuddle things by how we probably should feel. Or, we conceal the source of our feelings by inventing some innocent or moral motivation. Once we've smudged it all up good and proper, we can try to convince ourselves and other people that it's the truth.

Is it any wonder we get confused about what to do next? It's like living two separate lives inside yourself. How do you plot a course to where you want to go if you don't admit to where you're at now?

I sometimes fear that if I acknowledge 'bad' feelings, then I will act stupidly when I really do know better. It's only very recently that I've allowed myself to feel things like jealousy, anger, hurt, affront, suspicion etc. Life is certainly a lot messier, but it's also a lot more interesting... and infinitely better. It's possible to feel bad things, own them, and then choose to act sensibly anyway.

Living this way makes decisions easier and without the need to waste precious time second guessing myself. It doesn't really matter what people imagine your motivations to be. You know in yourself what they are. You know why you feel the way you do. You have a place to move forward from, whether or not you believe that a deity absolves you. Most of all, when you're honest with yourself, it's easier to recognise those feelings and to do something timely and constructive with them.

L

Life

2009-08-05T05:51:00.000-07:00

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by
the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw
off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.

Samuel Clemens (aka Mark Twain)

Have you ever taken a risk on something that failed and then regretted ever having done it at all? Or were you upset that it failed, regretted it for awhile, but were at least satisfied that you gave it your best shot? I don't know about you, but I would rather try and fail than hold back and lose out on the experience altogether.

I used to do that a lot as a teenager ... hold back. I was uncommonly good at predicting the eventual outcome of a situation based on what other people were likely to do. I reasoned to myself, why do this at all if I know there's no good future in it? My friends at the time used to marvel at my restraint ... marvel at how I never seemed to get myself into the sort of pickles that they did. Even though I never said to them 'I told you so' at the end of any such pickle, I bet I was just as annoying as if I had actually stuck my thumb to my nose and did a 'ner ner' dance. In comparison, my own life was relatively uncomplicated. I strove to avoid the traps and entanglements that were so obvious and avoided those messy, painful impacts on my heart.

What I failed to realise at the time was that in avoiding the messiness of life ... I missed out on life itself. Terrible. Wonderful. Terrifying. Satisfying. Painful. Beautiful. A heart that doesn't try avoids the pain of loss and failure ... but suffers emptiness instead. Perhaps my friends at the time also pitied me for having a cold heart unswerved by passion, unmoved by love, and left untouched.

Have you ever done something, knowing it would fail, but you did it anyway because the experience itself was worth it?

This is my outtake on life now. I even think that's what it truly means to love life ... to accept it for all its ups and downs. To try something for its own sake, not on the proviso that it must succeed. To love people for their own journey, not just how they impact on mine.

Perhaps I'll live to regret it but at least I will have lived.

A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.
William Shedd

The Purpose of Walls

2009-08-05T05:33:00.000-07:00

Before I built a wall, I'd ask to know
what I was walling in or walling out.

Robert Frost

Whenever I build a wall to protect myself against a real or perceived threat, I also trap my fear in with me. Walls are easy to build but difficult to remove, so they usually stay there long after the original threat has gone. After awhile, I don't even notice the wall is there and the fear becomes part of my internal dialogue that influences how I act and feel. The fear feels like me. It sounds like me and when it speaks, it says things I'm used to hearing that make sense to me ... but you know what? It can't be me. Regardless of how powerful it is, if I have to be convinced by it, then it is something external that exerts its dominance over my first impulse.

For example, my first impulse most of the time is to hug someone hello and goodbye (except maybe Kristie but that's a sheer frequency/volume thing) ... but you wouldn't know that, because my hugs are actually extremely rare. How bizarre, right? After being the unpopular kid throughout primary school, I built some phenomenally powerful walls to place some distance between myself and potential rejection. This wall does its job. I generally don't get rejected. The wall is very good at it's job... too good at its job.

Building a wall is never an either-or matter. I do not only wall in or wall out. It's always, always both. I wish I had the answer on how to tear them down again when they're no longer useful. Thing is, the wall always seems useful. Perhaps it's a start just to recognise there are two impulses there and begin distinguishing between them. At least then I am aware that there is choice.

The River

2009-08-05T05:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean
over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you,
you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.

A.A. Milne in Winnie The Pooh

Or rather, it's just not important to know everything all in one moment, only to be there and to live ...

I try to hold too many things in my head at once ... past things, future things, things that probably never happened or probably never will. What I should do about those things compared to what I'd like to do about them. How I might manage the way I feel about something. Why someone acted the way they did.

Meanwhile, the river slips slowly away unseen beneath me, and I know nothing.

17 Again

2009-08-05T05:26:00.000-07:00

If I were to begin life again, I should want it as it was.

I would only open my eyes a little more.

Jules Renard

There's a movie called '17 Again' in which the lead character ... drumroll please ...gets to be 17 again. You know, there are a couple of things I reckon I would do differently if I woke up in my bed back on Tamborine in 1997. I would kiss Jeremy instead of Chris at New Year's Eve. I would badger my parents to help me get my drivers licence. I would tell myself to open up my heart instead of guarding it so carefully. I would go to concerts. I might even throw my undies on the stage!

Don't get me wrong, I would have my life again pretty much as it was, I would just open my eyes a little more to see the enormous potential of what was in front of me that I couldn't see at the time. I was much, much too serious as a teenager. I didn't let myself live.

I can't go back to being 17 again. What I can do is imagine myself as 38 with the opportunity to be 28 again. Surely I would tell myself the same thing. LIVE! LAUGH! LOVE! and for goodness sake don't take things so seriously. Experience everything and don't be afraid of a little heartache.

There is so much potential inside every life, yet most of us content ourselves with the status quo. We marvel at the energiser bunnies who seem to live to the max ... but you know what? They just see or make an opportunity for a great experience and then DO it. It's really, honestly as simple as that.

Open your eyes.

Love is not what you want

2009-07-30T02:21:00.000-07:00

Love is not what you want, it is what you are. It is very important to not get these two confused.
Neale Donald Walsch

When I was a teenager, I was a very different kind of person. My old diaries are full of mistrust and theories. I spent a lot of time working out why people acted the way they did and unravelling the plots and intricacies of my social circle. I believed that people cared more about popularity than about other people. Apart from my best friend, Rose, I never got close to anyone and I still kept much of my thoughts and feelings from her. They all spilled out in pages and pages of diary prose instead.

I had no boyfriend and I didn't want one. They were only ever after one thing anyway ;-) I had people I called friends but I didn't believe they had my best interest at heart. There was always an ulterior motive. I saw in advance how everything would inevitably pan out ... so why bother? There were a lot of reasons why I felt unloved and therefore could not allow my heart to love too deeply.

Of course love, more than anything else, became a craving... a starvation.

I can't remember when exactly it was, but one day I had an epiphany.

My capacity to feel loved was in direct proportion to how much I allowed myself to love others. I had to love first and I had to love regardless of whether they'd ever give it back to me ... to become what I wanted to receive.

It's only when I knew the joy of giving love first that I found it worth whatever pain came with it. Even if I saw the pain in advance, it was worth walking boldly into love because love itself was worthy.

When love is sourced from inside you, the warmth of it remains even if someone takes theirs away. After all, someone else's love cannot sustain you. Love is not what you want, it is what you are.

What it means to live

2009-07-28T02:48:00.000-07:00

One has made at least a start on discovering
the meaning of human life when one plants trees
under which one knows full well he or she will never sit.

D. Elton Trueblood

I think this refers to more than our finite existence in time and the investment made into children / infrastructure / or a social economy.

It hints at what it means to really live ... through giving freely, investing in each other's lives regardless of whether we will share in the result.

White noise

2009-07-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

I wish to say what I think and feel today, with the
proviso that tomorrow perhaps I shall contradict it all.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sometimes being obstinate in our behavioural patterns and beliefs is a problem and it's good to have the flexibility to be unphased when proven wrong. We mistakenly assume our identity is based on the compilation of beliefs we've accepted or chosen and protect ourselves when threatened. The good news is though (and anyone who has ever undergone a transformation of belief will attest) who you are is something beyond all that ... thoughts and feelings are just white noise that need to be acknowledged, but not clung to like life and death no matter how demanding they seem. What you think and feel is bound to a moment in time and no matter how important it seems right now, it may end up being irrelevant to how you think and feel tomorrow.

On the other hand, a concept from Conversations With God has also stuck with me over time, where Neale states that we have every power to determine and to acheive whoever we desire to be. The reason why we fail so miserably is because we keep changing our minds from one day to the next. One day I visualise myself as being a healthy person and naturally I am content to eat only good food and to go for that run. The next day, something happens that stirs up the white noise of thoughts and feelings and suddenly I'm thinking 'who am I kidding? I'm a chocolate addict!' ... and that's when rustle and snap of cadbury occurs.

These two concepts complement, not contradict each other. Never mistake your current thoughts and feelings for who you really are. That way, you're not bound to or by them if circumstances call for you to change. Thoughts and feelings should be tools you use to appreciate and engage with the world, not a master controlling you in ways that cause disappointment, conflict and uncertainty.

So who is really in the driver's seat of your life? You or the white noise?

Risk vs Security

2009-07-28T02:45:00.000-07:00

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature,
nor do the children of people as a whole experience it. . . .
Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. . . .
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

Most opportunities bear a price tag that says "risk" on it ... it's like shopping in one of those stores that don't display prices. You can take a guesstimate, but you have no real idea how much things will cost. That's what makes risk so scary.

Where do you draw the line between simply taking care of yourself and backing away scared of life?

Maybe the deciding factor is the potential value of the opportunity ... whether the risk path is worth the failure. I mean, in five or ten years if we continually back away from life in an effort to stay safe, where will that "safety" lead us? THAT to me sounds more like failure than trying something that just didn't work out. That's a whole attitude of failure that will continue to defeat you long before you can even begin.

What opportunities are there in your life today? Are you being realistic about the price tag or irrationally fearing the worst?

Anger

2009-07-28T02:41:00.000-07:00

Anger is the most futile emotion one can experience.
It is totally negative and feeds on one's irrational, vindictive,
and punitive nature. It accomplishes nothing but a wider rift between persons, a growing dissatisfaction with self,
and empty feeling where loving understanding ought to be.

Louise Doud

I've never been very good at anger. Oh, I get angry alright ... but I push it waaay down, talk myself around it, pretend it's not relevant and act like everything will be ok given enough time. I'll get angry over injustice to other people quite quickly (eg. recent spat with Ed) but for some reason, it's incredibly hard to allow for anger when I've been wronged. It takes a pretty $h*tty act, and even then sometimes it's not until you've done a string of them, for me to tell you off. Watch out then, though, because you WILL get a verbal spanking!

A lot of the time when I think I'm sad, I'm actually angry. Like now.

"Oh ... it's because this and that is happening for them ... I treasure them too much ... it benefits no-one for me to get angry and act out."

Is anger futile? It seems futile. It serves no purpose but to cause suffering to the one who suppresses it or suffering to many if it's unleashed. That doesn't mean it's not there. Thinking around it doesn't make it go away. What do you do with it?

What would it look like to BE angry but remain fair? Be angry but be loving? How do you acknowledge anger and deal with it when, at the same time, you care too much to inflict any kind of vengeance... even petty vengeance? What is forgiveness anyway except what I already plan to do (be fair, be practical, be kind)?

More questions than answers today, I'm afraid.